Serenity

Z- Team,
You two are sleeping. Daddy is cleaning the kitchen, with Zuri plastered to his back in the Ergo Baby. There is peace in the home. I'm playing a Clean Up Jam that I created on my Mac. It feels sooo good to listen to non - baby music. Actually, that's not all true -- we have an International Lullaby cd from the library that is beautiful. Aghh, James Blunt -- Beautiful is playing.

"My life is brilliant
My love is pure
I saw an angel, of that I'm sure"


This moment is so good that I think I'll stop blogging and just fully enjoy it. Remember children, God is Good All the time. God is. God is. God is.

"You're Beautiful!!"

Confessions of a Blog Jacker

Zayd & Zuri,
Mommy jacked your blog. She's sorry, but she has a lot she needs to say---- don't blame her. She had a safe home waiting for her "other" thoughts all the while. No real such thing as other thoughts -- but for organizational sake.... fine, and for the three people who might only want to see pictures. all rest-- all 1.

5 followers...come on, you have to laugh at the irony... All others, please visit me here:

www.conceivabledreams.blogspot.com

Sakinah Circle, cont.

Zuri,
You are sleeping on the back of your father. Typical Mommy style, I took a picture, which I will, insha'Allah, load later. I slept on the back of my father, I don't remember, but this I know. Little girls should sleep on the backs of their fathers-- what a safe place to be.

Zuri, you are a child, and your home and your family should always be your safe place. I pray Allah that these things are true for you your whole life. I am trying, but there is no better effort than prayer and teaching you and your brother knowledge of The Creator. I am but a vessel for Him. The human body is but a vessel for the Spirit- a mother for her child.

I love my father. I love my father so much that I wonder if I am strange. He has been a constant friend, companion, supporter, safe place to go. We've had some of the most amazing experiences of our live's, together.

I love my husband. A husband is not a father. I soo learned that the hard way. A husband is, for all intensive purposes, a father in training. Guess who does the training -- ah haa, the wife. It's difficult, yet not impossible, to train a man to be a father, if he has yet to be a husband. There is wisdom in the saying of the elders.

I love Him. He who created mankind. I love Him the most. Or so I purport. I love Him the most, yet I mention Him last. My paradigm has to shift:

God
Husband
Father

Lol. OUR PARADIGM has to SHIFT. Love God! Love God! Love God! Then you'll really learn to love your husband -- then through the mercy of your Father, you will really learn to LOVE Him. Ohh, it's a circle-- not a Pyramid.

Death to the Ego!

Am I the only one who lives in the realm of backwards knowledge? Its like i insight fully figure out something, Alhamdullilah, then this same "original" thought is proofed by the works of another. Which is then ultimately proofed by the Quran.... Backwards Knowledge. I can't help but-after doing this oh so many times, conclude that this is, by far, this thing we call "life" -- this is a human condition. Not Jew, Christian, Muslim, Life Submitter -- this is The Human Condition. We all need You.. How we got so confused along the way, I do not know. I have so much i want to say abut Your Grandeur and Your Glory. (You know you are sprung when you can't help but think about something... all the time... and then some). I mean what am I supposed to do. The hiding it thing's not really my style -- ha, a, yes, You know.

Case in Point: Hi, I'm Azizah Ahmad, and I have a close, personal, and loving relationship with God. Oh, by the way, not only am I not perfect, I'm about as "statistically" as far away from His glory than one can humanly get..Did I mention to you that I'm a women also? A Black women. A Muslim woman? Fine, most people will likely be like - huh? My response, Google Two Words: Aminah Wadud.


You see. Oh yeah, You made.... You don't care?? Ohh, I see-- I don't think you care-- yeah, big difference.

Okay, let's try this time: (Dark room full of strangers -- Anon-esqe). Hi, I'm Azizah.... (pause for polite responds). I have been emptied out and retrained that this "God thing "was a far-off menacing entity that wanted to burn me in hell for major infractions like --- wait, damn near everything that occurred in my life. Yeah, that about sums it. Then, all of a sudden, He manifested His Glory to me ....... right. They are going to lock me up. You're cool with this? That's who You are? Riiiiggght, I don't even know you like that. Let me look at your card one more time:

YOU are:
The Majestic
The Compeller (clearly)
The Mighty
The Protector
The Guardian of Faith
The Source of Peace (amen)
The Holy
The Sovereign Lord (yeah, that's real swagger)
The Merciful
The Beneficient.....

Yeah, fine. I'll tell the world. I am sprung, punch drunk, head over heels, call-the-radio-station-and -dedicate-a-song-to YOU, sprung on YOU... do you like me?

Circle: Yes or No... I can't help it. You made me funny!!


I'm gonna get a tee shirt made -- Azizah loves GOD. Yeah-- a little too flashy for my taste, as you know.

Clean

There is a fierce wind blowing outside. The type of wind that encloses the very structure of your harm, warning you to beware.

I'd brave it if I had someplace in particular to go, but truthfully, no, not really.

Okay, there is Jummah Prayer, but wind, two kids, naptime--Yeah, no, not really. Only if Khalid is home, or I just get ultra desperate...can't say I[ve gotten that desperate yet, but watch me eat my words sooner than later. Thak you Allah for Lighthouse Mosque and their website. Virtual jummah , here we come.

So, what do you do on a day like this.

I want to clean. I want to clean my home; vacum, scrub, discard, organize, beautify. I want to burn incense and listen to Quran. I want to get a phone call or two -- i want to be my mother's child.

Zayd is going to help me. Baby Sistah has already decided that Friday isn't her day-- it's 9:13Am, mind you.

Here is to Nag Champa. Dust clothes. Good old bleach. And elbow grease.

Mood: 'Elington Was Not a Street' , Ntozake Shange
Kids; Zayd Oatmeal. Zuri-- screaming, just a rad-- kinda a mellow scream.

I Love You

I love YOU. I love YOU. I love YOU. I do. May my actions speak louder than my words, but May YOURS too.

On Parenting

Zayd, you are doing art. Zuri, you're abut to go into the Ergo so that I can accomplish some home task, insha'Allah. We're debating a winter walk, at least we'll hang out on the deck, insha'Allah.

It dawned on me today that what I want for you two is to witness an Islamic Revival. I too long for Andalusia. Mommy minute-- "Beautiful circle Zayd, ohh, I love it!!". Okay, back. I want a Muslim home filled with love, laughter, well loved visitors, not excess but comfort. Not Jennah, clearly, but the goodness of this world. I ask for it everyday in my du'a --"Oh Allah, I seek the goodness of this world and the hereafter".

Wow, what if-- I mean --- I'm supposed to and all. Yeah, I'm going to just --- can we say Yakeen (Certainty).

Oh Allah, guide my heart, my tongue, my words, my actions, my deeds. Let me praise You and exalt You in the best way that I can. The best of what you made me. I get it -- complicatingly simple. Alhamdulilah.

Mawlid

Okay, I am clueless how to celebrate a Mawlid, but we will, insha'Allah watch the live web streaming. I pray that can hook up some good speakers. I guess maybe Jummah Mubarak with more sweets?? Clueless. Let me research.

(Thank You Allah for Sesame Street).

Happy Morning

9:18AM and Zayd is still asleep. Zuri Mama, you're crawling on the floor babbling something about something or another. I feel guilty grabbing this little swatch of time to write and reflect, but Alhamdullilah, I can honestly say that I've worked hard to earn it.

Our organization/housework routine is going well, alhamdulliah. We've both failed in a few small minor areas, but we're both stressing consistency, rather than unattainable perfection. Hey, love what Allah love we both say.

I love working with my husband. Wow, that statement is shocking to even me. As much as we bump heads, when it's good, it's really good. I thank Allah for such a beautiful mate.

Less chores has allowed me to spend much more time in the place that I LOVE -- the kitchen. I've been putting as much love, prayer, and umphh in my food as humanly possible. Khalid seems to love it. Zayd is a little harsher of a critic.

We want to act like we're better than premium fish sticks and Annie's fries, but when you get the best of the best, it's still REALLY good!! I love that it's a dinner tonight that we will all love, insha'Allah. I love my funny food snob husband too.

Okay, Zuri fussy butt butt needs direct eye contact.

Todays Quranic Reflection: Remember the trials of Job.
Task: Teleconference Halaqah preperation. Du'a & more du'a.

God is, God Is, God Is

I've been really thinking lately about taqwa. What does it mean, how does it apply to my life, how do I develop it in myself and cultivate it in my family.

What I love about Allah's creation is the internal compass. Most times, when I'm doing something displeasing to Allah, I feel some shame or guilt -- in some aspect of another. Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, questioned his own actions at time, and he was clearly in higher esteem with God than I.

The moral compass seems to be a good place to start-- maybe even the best. Shortly after, I'd have to say in my own humble opinion is knowledge. However knowledge must be implemented with kindness, and in a way understood by the recipient. Without the kindness, the patience, the wisdom, knowledge falls on deaf ears. I've seen this in my own life at least.

Sums it up well. Cited from Al Mahgrib Institute.


One of our Muslim ancestors said:
"How sweet Iman is when it's beautified with Knowledge.
And how sweet Knowledge is when it's beautified with Implementation.
And how sweet Implementation is when it's beautified with Kindness.

The greatest pair of things is Implementation coupled with Kindness."

Zayd is Creative!!

Zuri Mama

Comes Ease

For truly with hardship comes ease; truly with hardship comes ease.
(Surat al-Inshirah: 5-6)

Today, unlike last week, was one of those days that left me feeling extremely grateful and content. We started a new cleaning system, which has helped to break down the monotony of housework into do-able chunks for Khalid and I. Alhamdullilah.


Always the emotional cook, I made a sultry pot, if I must say so myself, of black eyed peas. Nothing fills the home with more joy than the smell of good food bubbling in anticipation of dinner. Khalid and I both realize that we LOVE beans. Not only are the cost-efficient, they are really good. I make at least one pot a week.

Zayd, you played with playdough for the longest time today. It is so god seeing your attention span increase and your imagination grow. We discussed shapes, colors, food items, and counting. Your little funny tail made me a birthday cake, complete with candle. We sang and blew the candle out together.

Zuri, you are so tough and rowdy. At the same time, you are the most emotionally sensitive being I've ever encountered. Okay, besides myself, my mother, my sister, and give or take five girlfriends. Women, even baby women, are such amazingly complicated creatures. However, in the whole scheme of things, our needs are quite simple: Food. Encouragement. Love. Validation. Kindness. Mercy. Jovialness at the correct times. It's a lot, but then again, it's just right.

You two also took a bath -- no kicking this time. We had the greatest time extending a hearty welcome to each of our animal bath buddies. We accidentally left them in Cali, and G-Dad, always so diligent, sent them to us. We all agreed that the animals seem to enjoy the Shaheed Family bathtub. We prayed Mahgrib with daddy -- having you two crawl all over us the whole time was such a good reminder. We ate a nice dinner together, and you two read and played with your daddy while I took a nice bubble bath and had some personal time.

The schedule allowed me to pack you father's lunch, lay the whole families clothes out, and have a dinner snack schedule already in place. Alhamdullilah for efficiency. Now let's pray we both stick to it-- for everyone's sake.

Allah blessed us with wonderful day. Alhamdullilah.

Peace be unto you

As salaam alaikum,
My little bald-headed chicken. Why are you just the sweetest thing? Is there anything sweeter than a baby? Oky, toddler kisses and encouragement also rank high on my list of luvies, but a baby...ahhh. I found myself sniffing you and rubbing your little bald spot with my nose and lips. It's my favorite thing to do when you're asleep in my arms. I wish I could bottle your scent, the softness of your fuzzy hair, your laugh. I never tire of your toothless grin. My baby.

I pray that you are more than I -- so much more. More pious, more knowledgeable, more patient, more kind, of greater taqwa, of better character. I pray all of these things in the wee hours of the morning. Insha'Alah. Insha'Allah.

I encompass all of that in my sincere prayer that you never, ever, not even for one mili second, doubt my undying and unconditional love for you.

And surely after difficulty

Z-Team,
We are wrapping up one of those amazing days that make it all worth while. An all day trip to the library, followed by lunch and a few books from our loot, just made my day.

Zayd, watching you sit quietly at the table and "read" your books made me feel so very happy inside. If nothing else, I pray that I can instill within you an insatiable urge to seek knowledge. Okay, I'm lying, my goals are so much more lofty than that, but that one ranks high on my list.

Zuri, you crawled around babbling and yanking books of of the low shelves, to the delight of the librarian. Librarians are some of the smartest people I've ever met. Blessings to Umm Sundiata for hipping me to that game.

We sent "Daddy" some pictures of the light to enjoy. I pray it brightened his day.

In Sum

Zayd & Zuri,
Today wasn't Mommy's most shiningest day. I play date gone bad -- Zayd, you have to work on your food sharing issues. A messy kitchen. A disheveled poop filled morning, which resulted in me feeling like I had a disheveled poop filled life. Me curling into fetal position ball, holding myself in the dark by 7PM.

I hollered a little too much. I complained a little too much. I got annoyed a little too much. I blamed your father a little to much.

Khalid came in happily with old Valentine's roses and chocolate. I quickly removed all joy from his spirit by fleeing from you two to begin my under the covers fetal positon pity fest. The Messenger of Allah, peace be unto him, said that even a smile is an act of charity. I always loved that hadith, because smiles are things that I readily love to give. Today however, I seriously didn't even have it in me. I should've though-- man, it's so easy to forget your blessings!!

At 2AM, I woke up to asses the damage. The house was spotless, the kids were asleep. Khalid too, downstairs in the safety of the guest bedroom. I woke him up. We smiled and laughed. I apologized, he apologized. As usual, he understood. I want to promise him that it won't happen again, but we both know that I'd be lying.

This job is HARD. I want so bad to do it perfectly, however unrealistic that is. At my lowest, I at least want to do it at the level of a state accredited day care -- eye contact, food on time, activities. I so don't want to fail you two -- you're the best things I've ever had..also, the most challenging.


Mommy is praying for some reliable and affordable help. You mother clearly needs some help. A lot more personal time. A few dates. A little quiet. Balance is always a good thing.

Khalid loves to show me how even at our worst, we always are able to look back and laugh. Here's to praying that this too, will be a laughable memory.

Today in bullet form:

* Messy house. Burnt pot. Hair that needs to be done.
* Crappy diapers. Group baths with a lot of "Zayd, stop kicking your sister!!"
* Zayd flashing his playmates with his baby man glory-- the doorbell rang while i was trying to wrangle in the second wet naked child. (That part was kinda funny).
* Zuri screaming... kinda the norm.
* Zad snatching his veggi nuggets from Keila & Jenna and screaming like a mad man while running towards the couch, bar b que sauce and all.
* Zayd hiding under the table greedily gobbling nuggets so he didn't have to share.
* Jenna going after Zayd for a nugget -- that little girl got heart.
* Keila looking at Zayd perplexed and confused-- she is so refined, masha'Allah.
* Zayd making a "train" on the rug with my craft supplies and some glue. Zuri participating in the "art".
* Me deciding that your father was the anti-Christ for.. yeah, just about everything.
* Me rolling my eyes at flowers and candy -- I'm so not a flowers candy chick, but I could've played it off at least....fine, I do like flowers... I prefer potted plants though.

Happy Moments:
* Baby Abiade here safely.
* Mama Abiade is healing.
* House clean. Didn't have to do it.
* Contacted and old professor from law school.
* Saw good friend and her sweet girls.
* Healthy family.
Alhamdullilah.


The moral of the story is:
Sometimes we receive clear signs in our life that we need to change up a few things. So yes, I hear You, loud and clear. Thank You for lessons learned. Also, group eating dos not work well for toddlers. Individual plates are a must.

Going to go eat my chocolate... don't want to be wasteful and all.

A Kodak moment, but not

I wanted to blog, but Zuri sensed her milk had left the bedroom and woke up immediately to reconnect with her bff, my boobie. As such, I am one-handed typing with a pissy 7 month old on my lap. Sweet as can be, but pissy.

Zayd has decided that he is deathly afraid of shadows. As such, he is in our bedroom sleeping in Zuri's co-sleeper. I pray to God that we don't make a habit out of it, but I guess I have officially garnered my hippie card with the family bed in full action... not a look that I ever wanted. All those that live here, over the age of two, passionately agree with my vehement distaste.

Anyway, here is my favorite picture of the day. Man we love watching this little boy grow up. Masha'Allah, he is pure energy and emotion, bottled up in a toddler size package. May Allah protect and guide him and Baby Pissy, today and always. Amen

Patiently awaiting news of the birth of a new little one. Praying for safe passage. Amen.

Seven Months!!

Zuri Mama. Who told you you could grow up so quickly?? What happened to my little nursing rag-doll who made her appearance on the foyer floor in July? Zuri Baby Doll, where exactly did the time go? I know it was hot when you arrived, and now we have record breaking snow on the ground. Why does it seem like it was only yesterday??

Zuri Love, a part of me wants to ask Allah to slow this process down, but the wiser side knows that, alhamdullilah, growth is a blessing. I am so thankful for your good health and rapid development. You are seriously trying to walk!!

Zuri Mama, you are the quintessential second child. Far less hoopla, far less pictures, far less worry from your daddy and I, but the love- Zuri Baby Girl, I didn't know I could love like this. Opening my heart to a second child has been, by far, one of the most profound experiences in my life. I am so thankful for my "surprise" baby girl. You bring our family so much joy.

Zuri Zuu, you really are a mess. I've come to the conclusion that you've substituted my boob for your umbilical cord. This morning, your daddy just gave me the longest hug. We both agree that you spent at least 80% of the night nursing furiously. I know you are teething, and I know that that's got to be hard, but just try to save some breast tissue for the next baby, insha'Allah, okay Love.

Zuri bint Khalid, the snow is so beautiful. Alhamdullilah, we are having an amazing winter. We got the best of the California sun, followed by experiencing record snowfall. I am having a ball dressing you in fuzzy leg warmers and your brother's hand-me-down Robeez boots. Daddy had been home with us since Tuesday -- the roads are too bad for him to go to work. We have been kicking it like teenagers -- you and your brother have been like guest at our party!!

Let me tell you a little about yourself. You like to:

1. Scream at people (Yes, I placed that at the top for a reason...in your defense, it might be teething related).
2. Pull up on things and yell triumphantly
3. Nurse like a banchee
4. Jack all of Zayd's toys (All I hear is "No Baby! Nooo!! Danger-wuss!!"
5. Crawl over and shake the gate.
6. Act shy around new people
7. Chew on power cords (Sad, but true)
8. Beg for whatever I'm eating
9. Delight us with your smile
10. Nurse all night and sleep in between Daddy and I like the biggest hater on the block.... I'm thinking this is some type of evolutionary thing, to keep yourself as the youngest for as long as possible.
11. Take baths with your brother


Things you'll likely use against me and/or tell your therapist about later in life:

1. We are just getting your "Big Girl" room together
2. We owe you a professional photo shoot
3. You still don't technically have a set schedule
4. Sometimes I purposefully leave food on the floor for you to find later -- you get so excited!!

All and all, I feel like I am finally settling in to being the mother of two. I am looking forward to Spring, insha'Allah, and taking you and Zayd out as much as possible. Wait until you see the cherry blooms for the first time. As for now, I'm trying to just enjoy each moment of this amazingly crazy journey.

Thank you Allah so very much for this beautiful family. I pray that my gratitude is far,far greater than my occasional attitude.....Amen.

Our Little Snow Bunny